Saturday, December 11, 2010


I have these asian landlords that do very strange things.
They are this very very old and very very asian married couple. I think they weigh about 40 pounds, tied together, soaking wet, with bricks in their pockets, and holding buckets of cement. They are 4'6 and look like they still live in 1920. The old man looks like he just stepped off of a fishing boat, he wears very neutral colors and strange old looking shoes. The only thing somewhat recent about him, is the pepsi baseball cap he wears. He knows no english, literally, not even hello. The old woman is always in the garden, which is fine, but that means that I have to pass her several times a day and unfortunately she does know english, but only certain words. It is the same thing everyday, "Hello, how are you? Work? hahahahahhahah, okay bye bye." and that is the strain of words that comes out of her mouth whenever I pass her no matter what time of day. I was getting a couch delivered and there is a gate that leads to the alley that they keep locked and I needed it open in order to get the couch into my place. Usually I deal with her daughter because she speaks very good english but she never picks up her phone so I was forced to try and converse with the old woman. I go to the door and the old woman answers. I start saying, so I have this couch coming and I need the back door open, she understands nothing and stares at me in silence and so I start using hand actions that I don't even know what they're supposed to mean. So, I point to the back alley and say, "alley, open, couch." While doing this I switch between cupping my hands, waving my hands and making a key turning motion. She somehow miraculously understand the weird alley and open. She says, "Ohhhhhh open alley, ahhahahhahahahha." She opens the back gate and says, "Ah, okay, close." So what I figure is that she wants me to get her when I'm done to lock the back door. Now the communication thing is not the big issue because sometimes I think it's funny how stupid I must look to everyone watching me do my hand actions and yelling at some old asian woman, the real problem is the no shoe thing. They're daughter comes to my door and tells me that when I get up in the morning and walk to my car outside that my shoes make too much noise for her parents that are sleeping. Yes, sometimes I wear high heels, but people wear high heels, and I'm not elephant stomping to my car, I walk quickly and efficiently, trying to take the quickest way possible so that I can cut down on the length of noise my shoes may make. They don't even like when I wear my flats or my runners. These shoes make no sound whatsoever. I walk like a ninja, I make no noise with a pair of runners on but apparently they are too loud. The landlords have requested that I take off my shoes walk to my car sans shoes and then put them on. My car is parked on the street, it's not like it is in the garage, It's more than 50 ft away. It rains all the time, it's winter and my car is far away, but yet they expect me to walk to my car without shoes on. Yes, that is a weird request but you know what's weirder? Zucchini gifts. Everyday the old woman knocks on my window, not my door, and presents to me a massive zucchini, then leaves. I hate zucchini, it is one of the only vegetables that I actually hate, can't stand, will spit out if a morsel touches my tongue, but yet my vegetable keeper is stuffed with large fucking zucchinis. They have a garden of zucchinis so it's not like they go out and buy them for me but still why zucchinis? I don't want to offend them by throwing them out so when I go grocery shopping at safeway, I bring the zucchini and dispose of it there. Once the daughter called me, asked if I like buck choy, I said yes and she said okay and hung up. I have never received any buck choy; I have a feeling I never will.

And that is my life.


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