I work on a space craft.
I don't actually work on a space craft but I pretend that I do. Throughout the night my job requires me to do night checks to make sure that the residents are okay. Well when I do the night checks I put on gloves, take my flashlight and a wooden spoon and hold it as if it were a gun and I am inspecting the cooridors for stow aways and anything abnormal. I move silently and slowly, checking around everycorner and possible hiding spot. I breath deeply but try to make as little noise as possible. When I open the doors, I slowly turn the handle and scan the room with my flashlight to make sure that the person is breathing and that everything is okay. I then try to shut the door very quietly as to not wake the passengers but sometimes I accidentally slam the door slightly. I mumble "shit" and then pretend that I have awoken someone with the noise I have created. I then proceed to check the house, with all the lights off. Is it lame that this is somewhat exhilarating for me. I have always been fairly scared of the dark because if you stare at the dark long enough you start to see things that aren't there. Or maybe if you stare long enough things that are truly there are now visible because if you stare at there invisibility shield long enough in the dark it starts to malfunction and expose them.
When I was little I used to sit in the video game room with my family and stare down the dark hallways at things that formed from my imagination. I only ever did this when I was around my family because I knew I would be safe and that whatever I saw could not hurt me if there were witnesses. This was a re-occurring vision of the downstairs hallway:
I used to see the horned purple duck from Alice in wonderland a lot. I watched the show quite frequently but I also watched other cartoon movies a lot so I wonder why It was this that I saw.
Anyways, back to space craft. When I take the garbage out to the garage or as I call it, the "loading bay", I have to walk across the yard. I step out of the space craft and look from side to side. I can see my breath and make out the path to the loading bay. It is a treacherous journey with an 11, 000 foot drop. I must be quick and careful. Too fast I fall and too slow I freeze to death. I get to the loading bay, swipe my security pass and unlock the door. There is no need for me to open the automatic garage door but I do anyways, I stand in front of it and push the button, it starts rising and I envision I have landed on a planet and the gate is opening for the first time after being in hyper sleep for 4 years.
And those are the kinds of things that I do by myself.
I have also noticed that my loneliness has spawned a want for human interaction. I am much more aware of the undeniable need to communicate. I thought that I would get used to being alone so much but it has taken quite the opposite effect and I find myself going out of my way to talk to others or engage with others. I generally don't like people but loneliness is a much harsher mistress than the annoying traits that come along with humans. I am starting to miss the clanging of a spoon on a bowl or the loud chewing of some food. I crave these human tendencies because I feel I have gone so long without them that they are now nearly a figment of my imagination. I long for human contact. I sleep during the day and barely see the sun. I feel like I am in space, my own personal space where there is just darkness and silence, me and my thoughts. Perhaps if we all spent a significant time alone we would come to appreciate each other more and the relationships we have built in our lives.
Maybe I don't even know how to interact with others anymore. In conversations I have noticed that I say the persons name a lot. I know it's hard to analyze ones self communication habits but I have defiantly noticed that I do say a persons name a lot, along with a very intense stare. Conversation will go something like this:
How was your day Sue?
It was fine.
Oh that's nice Sue, what did you have for dinner Sue?
Pizza is so good huh Sue?
Well, have an excellent night Sue, I will see you tomorrow Sue, good night Sue.
It literally goes like that. I must annoy the shit out of people. I'm sure people can't even focus on the conversation we are having because they are wondering why I am saying their name so much. They probably think that I have some horrible memory disability and that I constantly have to say a persons name over and over again to remember it, even tho I have known that person for months. I only do that with acquaintances and strangers. I never use the names of my friends or family, I don't know why. It makes me feel weird to call a friend by their actual name just as it feels weird to be called by mine own name. It is such a label I feel. Larissa, yes that is my name, that is what I am identified as. The only reason I should have to hear my own name is if I have won some prize and they have to announce the winner and the only reason I should have to say a friends name is to get their attention. If someone says my name during an argument and really draws it out, I get very uncomfortable and shy. The sound of my name embarrasses me and I instantly become nervous and back down.
My name is my kryptonite.