Friday, December 31, 2010

Night 14

I'm at work and just woke up.
I'm not even sure when I fell asleep or how I fell asleep. The last thing I remember was eating a nutri grain bar and then waking up crying. Half of the bar was on the floor and I look up to the clock to see it's about 2:00  a.m. I have been asleep for a little over 2 hours and don't remember doing so.
My dreams are becoming much more vivid. I keep waking up very distressed. Today I woke up because I had a dream about being cheated on.
I have these dreams frequently but they are feeling much more real. I think it's bullshit to smile on the outside even tho you're not okay inside, look what happens. Everything you push aside ends up manifesting itself in your sub conscious and the only way your mind can deal with all of these hidden thoughts, is to work them out while you are sleeping.
Our mind is filled with millions of filing cabinets and if you hold to much in, the cabinets start exploding and your thoughts and secrets go spilling out everywhere and when the mind janitor comes to clean up the pages, he reads them and that is when your mind starts processing the things you have never wanted to think about.
I'm scared of being left alone or being betrayed, I think we all are. We want to love and trust someone with no qualms but I don't know if that is possible because you never know what life is going to bring you so how can you trust in a moment over and over again with complete confidence?
This is why I have these dreams, they are probably silly but I cannot help but think this way.
I am also getting woken up by voices. Today when I was sleeping at home I heard a voice say "hello", I don't know if anyone was there or if it was myself asking a question but it woke me up.
I never feel like I, myself am in the dream fully but I am an observer watching events unfold before me. Sometimes I have the ability to alter what is happening but most of the time I get too emotional and let the dream control me. It's strange being in two places at once. I know I am the person in the dream but I also realize that I am the person watching the dream and I can always feel both sides. I am never one nor the other but both simultaneously with a complete understanding of what it is to watch a dream and be in it at the same time.
I think I need a more peaceful sleeping place. I need to make my room look like a fortress of solitude.
These are the things I will purchase this weekend:
  1. blackout blinds
  2. a noise simulator with the ocean and rain
  3. a touch lamp
I need the black out blinds because as it stands now I wear these eye patch sleeping things and they make the area around my eyes sweat. I need a noise simulator to drown out that fucking barking dog ( by the way I had a dream I lowered a crate of coyotes into the yard to destroy it but realized coyotes would not be effective, so I then lowered a crate of wolves). And, I need a touch lamp. The worst thing in the world is having a nightmare and wake up frantically trying to find the light switch. You're searching around for the switch everywhere and your eyes are closed because you're scared that if you open them you may see what you were dreaming in reality and the thought of that is much to scary so I must have a one touch system, where I can touch, light on, and open my eyes and scan.
I must also remove everything from my room besides the bed and night stands.
The mirror has to go, no question. The worst thing is waking up in the middle of the night, in the dark and looking into the mirror. There is something so eerie about a mirror in the dark. It's like a portal into a place you don't want to go; you don't know where the place is, you just know you don't want to go there. My dressers must leave as well. I don't like things around me, I start to feel closed in and with an open space I would feel much more at ease falling asleep.
The things under the bed will stay because it is stopping anything from hiding under there. If the space under the bed is taken up , then there is no where for things to hide.
This is the sleep plan.

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