Thursday, December 16, 2010

Night 4

I watch a lot of movies, mostly because they take my mind off of my own life for a little while. Tonight I watched Splice. SPOILERS AHEAD

This movie stars Adrien Brody. By the way, when is Hollywood going to stop trying to make Adrien Brody an action star? It is not working. First we had him in predator doing a weird Christian Bale Batman voice and now we have him in, what I would say, one of the worst movies I have ever seen. This shit is about two scientists (boyfriend and girlfriend) that make a hybrid human. They don't mean for this alien human to reach maturity but of course it does. As a baby this is what the alien looks like:

A.) Is this supposed to be cute?
B.) Am I supposed to form some emotional bond with this disgusting creature? I don't really like babies as it is, let alone deformed ones.

Here it is a bit older:

Holy crap, if you do not want to kill this thing by now, you clearly have some issues. At this point how have they not realized that this "experiment" has gone to far. The broad is a real piece of work. She proclaimed she wanted to make this thing all in the name of helping humanity but really she just wanted a child that she could control and I guess if you create one in the lab you always have a right to treat it as an experiment.

The only good part Brody had was when he tried to drown the alien child. Too bad the fucker has amphibious lungs and can breath underwater. FUCK.

The movie progresses and they move the thing out into an old farmhouse the woman used to own. From here we see them love it and take care of it. Whatever. Excuse me for wanting my aliens bad ass. The last thing I want to do is dance with the alien but no, Brody teaches it how to jazz dance and the whole scene is very disturbing, as we watch a very human looking alien/experiment dance and giggle with absolutely no co-ordination. I know how this scene could have been better: The alien is an amazing dancer. The alien doesn't dance around like it has two left feet or I guess two arms for feet? Anyways very gay scene.

Here is the thing at maturity and this is where the fear becomes a reality. Throughout the film I noticed Brody giving the alien the side eye as in, "I want a piece of that test tube shit". And of course he fucks the alien. I'm not kidding. I am watching Brody slowly remove his pants as he humps on this thing and the they switch position as if missionary wasn't horrifying enough. As she's riding him she spreads her wings, oh ya this thing has wings. From neck to ass this thing looks like a girl but it's face is fucked, it has two arms for legs and a tail with a poisonous stinger on it. The Girlfriend walks in to see this and leaves. They then have a "confrontation" back at their apartment. He says he didn't know what was right or wrong anymore and they decide to kill it. Hmmmm, well didn't he get off kind of easy. No where in this argument did the whole sex thing come up. I was waiting for her to say something along the lines of, "You fucked the experiment, you creepy fuck?" Nothing, she does not even acknowledge it; At this point I loathe this film.
In the end the creature changes sexes and becomes a boy and the boy alien proceeds to rape the chick ; This alien has now had sex with both main actors. The lady is about to kill it but pauses just long enough for it to stab Adrien Brody in the heart. Why did she pause? Why didn't she just smash it's head in with the rock? Wasn't she mad that it had sex with her boyfriend and that it raped her? Did she still love it? So many questions. She is pregnant in the end. I am not sure if it is do to the rape or if this is something she wanted done to experiment more with, I just don't know.

What a loser of a film. Who funded this? my god.

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