Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Night 6

My time off is done and here I am for the first of four night shifts and I am actively working on new positions to sleep in. I feel like the MacGyver of sleep platforms.
You should see the things I have come up with. All I have to work with is two executive chairs with fixed arm rests, a fairly deflated exercise ball and my winter jacket. If I try to sleep with my head on one chair and my legs on the other, my back gets extremely sore. If my legs are too elevated I can feel the blood rushing from my feet and the loss of sensation beckoning inevitable amputation. If I try to slip the ball in between, I just kind of roll around and due to the deflation of the ball my body sinks into a V shape. The winter jacket is useless, I don't know why it has to have so many zippers and jagged edges. I am considering devising a contraption that is portable and easy to sleep on. An air mattress would be excellent but I think that's taking it to far; I think I would be crossing some line if I brought an actual bed to work. This bed has to be completely make shift and out of objects that you wouldn't suspect you could sleep on. Perhaps a hammock? I think a hammock would pose to much difficulty, how would I explain a giant hook hanging from the ceiling? This will take careful consideration and multiple sketches with plenty of trial and error. As it stands now the best contraption I have come up with is putting the two chairs right up to each other so that it's about as small as a fucking dogs bed, I wedge paper behind the wheels, to avoid slipping around and from there I curl into the fetal position and re arrange my limbs until I hit the sweet spot where circulation is moving freely and nothing is going numb.

The Poppa Doe:

This is some saying that I devised for a very specific type of person. This is a middle aged man who wears tighter pants, shiny shoes, a weird pooffy comb back hairstyle, facial hair optional but it does help the look and most importantly a weird button up shirt that is not buttoned all the way to expose some chest and or chest hair followed by a gold chain. I see these men everywhere. There is the modern poppa doe and the old school poppa doe:

Old School:

Here you will notice the confidence that this poppa exerts. Not only has he un-buttoned to show a bit of chest but he has taken the plunge and we are bordering on pubic line. From the jack ass grin to the shiny cowboy boots, this is a complete poppa doe through and through. You know he thinks he's the shit and when he goes into bars he actually picks out the woman he wants to sleep with and sees no way he could fail as if his look and cocky personality is such a sure thing that his game plan couldn't possibly go any other way but his own These men are usually smaller in stature. They are predominantly short and either have pot bellies or narrow faces. Next time you're out and about see how many poppa doe douche bags you can count.

Modern Day:

Perfect, all I had to do was type, "modern day douche bag" into google and this came up. I am sure that we are familiar with the jersey shore douche bags but your worst fear has come reality, once you've popped your collar there is no going back. You can never recover from looking like this. Once you have past the point of no return you will one day turn into the older classico poppa doe. These are mini poppa's in training.as you can see they have taken the guidelines and rules of poppa doing to an extreme but that's fine because in the end they will all look like an old perv Italian uncle hitting on his niece at her wedding. I'm pretty sure the man on the left hasn't even buttoned his shirt at all and the one in the middle has popped an un-poppable collar that is just flopping around his neck; I hate the one on the right. They're hair is gelled  and they are wearing quite a bit of makeup, which in time they will grow out of. The cocked hat is also just a phase, you can't carry that with you on your journey to poppa doe ultimate.

Women would have to be completely fucked in the head to want to fuck any of these losers. Just looking at them, do they scream manly to you? Do you think they have one unwanted hair anywhere? Would they ever, ever get out of the bathroom in under 45 minutes? No, these are not men, these are versions of women. It's not that I want my men to live in the forest, build log cabins with just a hatchet and shower once a week but It's somewhat comforting knowing that you have probably cried more than the man you're with. These "men" have such an attitude on them, that if you were to get past the cake face, popped collar, chunky gold chain link necklace with a hanging cross even tho they're not religious, and the horrifying hair, they are still douche bags. If you're 5 pounds over weight they will fuck you and then laugh at you, what kind of people are they? As if they are in any position to judge. They have successfully contributed to one of the most well known douch bag appearances of all time. They are horrible people. They are people who hold looks and beauty above everything else but look like fucking morons themselves. I would rather let the world die if it meant that I had to re populate it with one of these D bags. I would rather live inside of a whale for the rest of my days then go to dinner with any of them. You know during sex they probably just want to hear their name over and over again, because really the only thing that could satisfy a completely self indulged, narcissistic human being, is themselves

I use to believe in natural selection but clearly that does not exist.

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