Sunday, December 19, 2010

Presents

I hate receiving presents. I remember when I was young and when I received a present I was so genuinely happy, jumping up and down and profusely thanking my parents because back then getting a barbie or stuffed animal or big bag of chips that you didn't have to share with anyone was the best.
The excitement and joy was completely real because we were so young at the time and such little things pleased us that our parents truly loved seeing our excited little faces and that was the satisfaction that they needed. I feel because I'm older now, I shouldn't receive gifts, and for several reasons:

Anything I want, I usually buy myself. It's not like before when I had to save weeks of babysitting money or allowance or wait until my birthday. Now a days you buy what you want and when you want it. Due to the joy of credit cards, there really is hardly a gift that you can't buy yourself besides a car or something big.
I hate saying thank you after a gift. I fell like I let the person down because I'm not expressive enough. I try to be happy but I'm older so when I get something I think More along the lines of, "Oh hey, I saw this in the store, it was about $40, I could have bought it." Maybe I'm different, maybe shit doesn't make me really happy anymore.
I remember when getting money for your birthday or Christmas was the best. You could buy whatever you wanted but now when I get money, all that goes through my head is:

The weeks groceries are paid for
Cell phone bill is paid for
Car payment is done

But before I would go buy something mindless.

I hate being in a world where the act of a gift doesn't do anything for me. I have gotten to the point where more expensive isn't always better. Now I don't want something I can buy for myself, I want something with thought and consideration. As you get older I can see why people like cards and why they collect them. Words are so precious and can mean so much more than a video game or movie.
I love giving gifts tho because I express love best through monetary givings. I do other stuff like show affection or make dinner, but I feel the more money I spend for some one is a measure of how much they will Love me, which is strange because the other way around is that I don't want any money spent on me and I value a relationship due to thought and consideration put in  by the other person but why do I not feel that I deserve to be cared about just because I am a person. Money plays such a big part in how I feel accepted and loved. I will buy coffees for people or dinner for my boyfriend and when they offer to give me some money, I say oh don't worry and hope that they think that I am a really giving and caring person but really it's a selfish maneuver. I don't do this because I generally want to do something nice for the person, I do it because I want to be more loved, but that isn't  how all my relationships are, some of them are extremely balanced but that is not saying a lot because I have only a handful of true friends where I know we are friends due to the connection and the positive effect we have on each others lives. I find I give most to acquaintances and when we develop a friendship I start to care less because I have successfully won that person over and now I must start on someone else. It's like I acquire friendships like trophies and the more trophies I collect the more I matter in this world. Maybe if I touch enough lives I will be remembered for something, instead of just another tombstone in the graveyard.
Perhaps this way of trying to fit in, means that I am lacking true confidence and self worth, where I feel like the only way to be accepted is to shower people in gifts and presents. If I was truly at peace of who I am and what I have to offer to a friendship, I wouldn't feel the need to use money as such a crutch in developing these friendships.
I don't understand why I feel I must be one way to be liked but expect the opposite from other people. I should accept from people what I accept from myself; they should mirror each other. I feel very imbalanced due to the different expectations that I compare so often and so closely.
Perhaps one day I will realize the potential I have to make someones life better without hiding behind the possessions I can give but the way I can affect a life in a positive way just by being a good and caring human being.
I don't think it is possible for me to ever feel that way because I don't think I will ever be truly happy with who I am and as far as that is concerned, if I can't rally that self esteem than there is no way I can form life long relationships.

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