I am so tired.
I don't know how to describe the type of tired I feel. It's a constant, as if I am never rested. I could sleep for 4 hours, 8 hours, 2 hours, 10 hours and I feel the exact same. I don't think this started with night shift, I have always been a sleepy head but once night shift started, my sleep schedule has been insane.
I am so tired once I leave work but by the time the sun comes out, I'm no longer tired. The touch of sunlight and the lightening of the sky rejuvenate me and I am jealous of those that get to enjoy it so I stay awake. I try to steal as much time as I can with the day in fear that I may forget what it feels like to be around people, traffic, and everyday things.
My clock starts ticking as soon as I get home and I know that it can't last forever. I know I can't stay awake forever and that soon I will get tired and succumb to sleep once again. I do everything that I can to stay awake. I go for runs, return the bottles, tear the house apart and make a list of everything that I need to get. I will complain about the traffic and the people but in reality I complain about it to feel normal when really the sights and sounds perk me up do to their familiarity.
I can feel as my time grows nearer. The bags grow larger under my eyes, my thighs get weaker, and my stomach starts turning, at this point I know I have been awake for about 20 hours, I can feel the effect. I will the tiredness away. I don't care if the pain stays, I would gladly have the throbbing head and growling stomach if it meant I could stay awake for an hour longer but once again the night has won and I crawl into bed only to awake to the sight of darkness and greeted by the moon.
I love the moon, well I used to love the moon. Now it is a thorn in my side a bully, a reminder that the day has passed and gone on without me, and I have contributed nothing to it. It rises above me throughout the night and even when I can't see it, I know it's there, as always, starring at me and relishing in my pain. The moon may very well be the devil and is enjoying my damnation to the night.
I feel like a creature, no longer a human. There is no way that the body was meant to stay awake during sleeping hours. Those that say they are a nigth owl, truly do not know what it is to be a night owl. I can stay awake all night if it is by my own accord but being forced, knowing it is your job to do so, makes it unbearable. I could never do this for the rest of my life, already a year is seeming like an eternity and I am little over a month in.
I sometimes wonder if I will be able to survive this and that I should make more use out of my nights, like I should start reading as many books as I can or learning guitar but when the night comes I can barely bring myself to drive to work and start my shift so there goes my list of 100 books to read before you die.
I think I need a new mindset when it comes to staying up all night. I need something positive about it to cling to or maybe make something about it humorous. I can usually laugh at any situation but I can't seem to do it in this one. Every time I try to, nothing comes out and I drift farther into a never ending mind span of thought.
Here's a try. I was at Metortown about a month ago and I am walking around minding my own business when I see the most majestic creature. On a bench in the middle of the mall there was a middle aged east Indian man, turban and all, laying down with is head propped up with one hand like a goddess who needs grapes fed to her chatting on his cell phone. Did my eyes deceive me, why was no one else looking at this man, at this beast lounging? Did it matter that there were several elderly people around that needed to sit down? Did it matter that a mother with children looked tired and could use a rest? No, he needed to lounge and be comfy while talking on his "celly" ( and you know he is one of those people that calls his cell phone a "celly". ) I couldn't let this moment pass undocumented, I would be doing history an injustice. So, I tried as fast as I could to whip out my cell phone, get the sultan in focus and snap a picture but there were so many obstacles. People kept walking in front, the lights were so bright, my hands were shaking from the huge amount of stress on my shoulders and the loud music was throwing me off ( almost as loud as the music in forever 21, why must they have their techno house beats so fucking loud where I think my head will explode as soon as I walk into that store? The only time I have ever been in there I picked up a dress, heard the music, saw the lineup to the dressing room, weighed my options and have never been back, I refuse to contribute to a place like that). The moment came and just as I was about to take the photo, he saw me, and got up. Fall on knees, fists in air, " Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" my moment had passed.
Me not captioning that moment in time ruined my whole day.