I was thinking about the strange things I do while jogging.
I was jogging the other day and usually I try to time it right where there is no one around because I hate jogging around people; it's embarrassing. When I job I tend to stick my jaw out and suck in my bottom lip, I have no idea why I do this. I will start jogging and about 10 minutes in I will notice that I'm doing the caveman jaw and try to put a normal face on. If I focus to hard on doing my normal face then I start getting distracted by other things and find it harder to run. Once I start thinking about other things, I then start thinking how sweet it is that I haven't cramped and then as soon as I think that I start cramping. Now I just stick my jaw out and jog. I don't care of I look like a freak who has lock jaw. I also grunt and coo. I usually grunt if I am running really hard or am listening to a song that I know on my Ipod. Instead of singing I will grunt and play the drums while jogging. It's not really a loud grunt but it is definitely audible enough for people to hear. If I get enough in the zone I start to do a low monotone coo. It sounds like a pigeon that has been recorded and kept on a continuous loop. I don't realize I am cooing until I snap out of the zone and then I cut it out. Oh yes how can I forget, I instantly turn red in the face when I run. I could be running for 2 minutes or 20 and I am instantly red like a fucking tomato. Not only that but I think my face gets larger for that period of time as well, do to the physical exertion I would presume. The last thing I need is a larger face and or head. My head is probably the size of a medium watermelon and you know what goes along with a large head, a large face. I also sweat profusely and in weird places. Not only do I have the joy of sweating under my arms, lower back, and face when I work out but I also sweat on my thighs (not the inner thighs but the quads), my stomach, chest and feet. This isn't a little bit of sweat but a large amount, a man made lake I would say. I stopped trying to be sexy while I work out years ago.
Anyways, sometimes I get to the park and there are older women and couples walking the track; perfect witnesses for my freak show. There is this group of three east Indian women that walk the track every second day or so. They walk side by side no matter what. I herd of antelope wouldn't get one of these assholes to move off the sidewalk. I could yell free curry for life and they would never move. As I approach them I try to make the freaky noises and step as loudly as I can to see if they will move. No dice, so I go around. I then approach again and say excuse me to the right. No dice, so I go around and as I cut back in front of them I flick my feet really hard and spray mud all over them. I pretend as if I am listening to my Ipod but I always put it on pause so that I can hear what they say about me. I can never understand what they say but they are usually pretty pissed. Maybe I am being a child and should just step out of the way and accept it but every time I am forced off of my path it gets me more and more angry. And they walk, not power walk or walk briskly, they saunter. It's as if they have nothing to do and no where to go, which is probably very true but why should I break my pace so that they can have a Sunday walk, it's bullshit is what it is. They must pay for what they have done and what I know they will continue to do. I am thinking about just running through them and splitting them down the middle. They will all probably fall over like idiots if I do that. I may have to kill one of them at a time, that may be the only way.
The trick is when I go around them I dig my feet into the muddy grass and that way I am fully loaded to unleash a mud war all over them. Really, it's their fault. If they would just move I wouldn't have muddy shoes and they wouldn't have muddy face veils. But how inconsiderate and self righteous can you be to never move. This has happened at least half a dozen times. I have been running for a while and I see them every second day and sometimes every day and no matter what I do they never move. Maybe they have some strange bet going on to see how long they can stay on the sidewalk without me losing my shit and breaking one of their necks. It's not like their 65 years old, they're about 40, if that and in decent shape so they can move it or lose it, that's what I say. They don't own the sidewalk, they're not entitled to walk there and yes, getting your shoes muddy sucks but why do I have to get them muddy every time? Why can't they step aside every once in a while. I hate those bitches.
The one good thing about this track is there is this old Asian woman and every time I jog by her she gives me the double thumbs up. Not just one thumb up but both. It's as if she is saying, "Good job, you are the best runner in the world and I admire your dedication, also those noises you make are wonderful to listen to and the sweat on your face really accentuates the wideness of your overall head."
God bless you old Asian woman, god bless you.