Friday, February 4, 2011

Night 35

It's T-Shirt time.

This is what can make my day: When people wear T-shirts that they clearly didn't earn. Have you ever seen people who wear T-Shirts that have a certain goal or accomplishment on them that you know themselves could not have possibly achieved. I guess you don't know every ones life story and it is somewhat of an assumption but most of the time you can be 99% be sure that, that person should not be wearing that T-Shirt.
My uncle, for instances is a redneck coal minor. He is very rough around the edges and likes to have some beers every night. He also wears a T-Shirt that says paramedic on it. I love my uncle but come on, no way, there is just no way that you are a paramedic or ever have been. If I ever saw my 5'8, tipsy, sun damaged uncle stumbling out of an ambulance and walking towards me with the defibrillator pads, I would actually will myself to die because death would probably be less pain then he would inflict due to his lack of medical and emergency response knowledge.
I have this client who wears a T-Shirt that says, "2009 Vancouver Marathon." This man is middle aged, has a pot belly and complains when he has to walk down a single flight of stairs to meet me, there is no way in hell that he ran a marathon. Maybe I'm being a tad hasty with my judgement but I just get this overwhelming feeling that the 2 pack a day chain smoking, 20 hr napping, mentally ill man did not run a marathon two years ago.
I know this woman who wears a T-Shirt that says, "I love my Hummer." She does not own a hummer. She may love Hummers but she, herself cannot love "her" Hummer because she does not possess one. This woman is a tank and always wears this T-shirt. She weighs about 300 pounds and lives in low income housing. If she did somehow own a Hummer, then I would be very interested as to why she has not sold it and got herself out of the worst part of East Hastings known to man.
We have all seen people wear T-Shirts that protest a saying that does not match that person at all. For instance:

Most people would think that this person would be a virgin due to the clear excess weight, unflattering facial features and piss died hair but what you have to realize is she either lost her virginity to a family member, donkey or some trick she was hustling so that she could get her fix of Krispy Kremes. Case solved.

Perfect example. Do you think this woman is a, "golddigga"? I think she wants to be but in what way is she in any position to seduce a man and take all his money? First things first, it's not even, "golddigger", it's, "golddigga," which is extra annoying and gives a sense of sauciness but one thing we can all be sure of is extreme muffin top, single mom is not a saucy femme fatale. I think she most likely needs to dig her thong out of her ass if anything because you know a woman of that size, who wears clothes that small, has her ass constantly eating her underwear alive.

On the other hand, I love when people who wear T-Shirts that are absolutely fitting. There is probably a good chance that this woman always has a fart loading. She looks like she can down a family size bucket of chicken from KFC and 6 burritos and then sit beside her boyfriend farting, asking if it, "Tastes like chicken?" You know that this is that kind of broad. They donn't make them quite like this anymore so start lining up boys.

Not only does it look like she would screw someone for anything but the fact that she is overweight and stating she wants cake in return is pretty funny and I believe her. Imagine loving cake so much that you would trade sex for it? And you know what really sends this message home? The saggy bra less tits.

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