Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Night 42

Yesterday I set fire to the kitchen counter.

I'm going through this eye problem where my oil glands are somewhat clogged so my eyes are drying out more often and causing them to become red, it is quite a nuisance. So, I paid $90 for the doctor to tell me that I need to put a warm facecloth on my eyes for five minutes everyday to help get them unclogged; side note, I think the problem at hand is the fact that I was wearing old mascara.
Anyways, when I lie down with a warm facecloth on my eyes I tend to get sleepy and the Dr. said I had to re wet it every time it started feeling cool and facecloths stay hot for about twenty seconds so that would mean I would have to get up and go back and forth from the sink and seeing as a sleepy head means your a lazy head, I decided to go with an alternative.
I don't know if you are familiar with those magic bags that you put int he microwave and the beans inside of them warm up and stay warm for a long time, well I though that it would be ingenious to use that instead of a face cloth. I have this magic bag that is supposed to wrap around your neck and is perfect to put on your face so I popped it in the microwave for two minutes and waited.
I took the bag out and it smelt burnt and I was way too tired to deal with this problem so I placed it on the counter and went to bed without the bag. About half an hour later I hear this pounding at my door, I get up to see what is going on and the entire living room is filled with smoke and smelled like family of raccoons died and was on fire or Chinese new year dinner being cooked upstairs. I open my door to my Asian landlords and they're checking to see if I'm okay because of the horrendous smell and massive amount of smoke. Right away I knew it was that stupid fucking magic bag so I go to the counter and voila, the bag is on fire.
Here is my question, why wasn't it on fire when I took it out of the microwave? I removed it from the microwave played with it a bit in my hands and put it on the counter, I don't understand why later on it would catch on fire and not instantaneously. I grab the bag bring it outside and the old Asian woman starts dousing it with the hose like it's a forest fire when only the tip of the bag was on fire.
Another question, why didn't my fire alarm go off? I have the touchiest fire alarm. If I open the oven it goes off, if I heat soup up it goes off, if I plug my straightener in it goes off but when the room is full of smoke and my life is in danger it keeps it's mouth shut?
The counter has about a two inch burn mark, which is pretty lucky considering the fact and the pattern that is on the counter is a mix of browns and beige's so the burn mark actually blends in quite well and if I put a coaster over it you can't even see it. My plan for when I move out is to distract my landlords while they are looking at the apartment, that way they  miss the mark and I get all of my damage deposit back. I would probably be doing them a favor. I think the mark makes the counter look better, it gives it character and a sense of pride, maybe?
I don't know but I want my damage deposit back and if I have to drug the old Asian, drag her into the spare bedroom, beat her, leave her for dead and take the money from her pocket I will.


  1. There's no way it was in the microwave for 2 mins Lis...Congrats though...I never heard of a magic bag smoking before!

  2. Lol at the smoke detector

  3. there is a way that it was in there for two minutes because it was. Any longer and it would scorch my face

  4. k in all fairness the smoke detector did get me good