Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Night 47

So I was asked out yesterday.

I don't really get asked out on dates by guys. It's not that I would go out with anyone, seeing as I have a boyfriend but it would be nice to know that you are still desirable to strangers. I have this guy at work that always opens the door for me in the morning. I kind of thought he had a crush on me but I wasn't sure because that never happens. When I go into the office I usually just keep my mouth shut, do what I have to do and leave. I'm very used to working by myself and I don't really like talking to my co-workers now.
You should see the lengths I will go to, to avoid people. I will turn the desk to face the wall, I will keep my head down while filling out paperwork or I will even change locations but somehow someone always finds me.
So, I get into my car from work and the guy knocks on my window. Right away I'm thinking I had forgotten something or one of my tires is flat but instead he asks if I would like to go for a coffee sometime, oh Jesus.
My face goes instantly red and it looks like I am a robot that has malfunctioned and has shut down. This is what went through my head:

Coffee, well coffee could me a friendship thing so I shouldn't assume it's a date.
Who am I to assume that I am so sexy that coffee could only mean a date, how full of myself am I?
Should I say yes and assume it's out of friendship?
Should I say no and say I have a boyfriend?
But what if I say I have a boyfriend and then he tells me he just wanted to be friends, how embarrassed would I be?
Oh, god I am so uncomfortable.
I wonder if I turn him down if he'll still open the door for me?
There's no way I can speak to him or look him in the eye after this.

About thirty seconds goes by without a word because I am busy thinking about all these possibilities and finally I choke out, " I have a boyfriend," and he says, " Oh, okay."
He must had thought I was retarded for taking so long to answer or worst of all what if he thought I was lying because of the gigantic pause I took?
I don't really know how adults date or how they ask out other humans but I feel like this was a crash and burn. I was so nervous and uncomfortable after our conversation and I might bust into convulsions today when I have to go in.
Maybe I will use the other entrance but if I use the other entrance then he'll know it's to avoid him but so what if I want to avoid him, it's because of him that I have to do this now. Maybe I should act like nothing happened and just continue to go through the main door, but I have to walk right past his office and I feel physically ill thinking about that.
Perhaps adults ask out people all the time and it's no big deal and if they say yes, they say yes and if they say no well then they carry on with their day and that's life. I'm acting as if I'm in grade eight and being asked out for the first time by someone you don't really like and when you say no, you still have to sit with that person in class, not that I was asked out in grade eight.
So, I'm not sure how to deal with this situation because the last thing I need is to feel more uncomfortable then I already do. I'm not very comfortable in my own skin and every time I look in the mirror I'm a little surprised of how I look, not that I'm so beautiful it's puzzling but just a feeling of, " Huh, that's what I look like."
I don't want to be a boy or think I was born the wrong sex or anything like that I just always forget what I look like I suppose but maybe that's the key to confidence. If you have a perception of looking a certain way and you never actually take into account how you really look, then your confidence should be bountiful but is that delusional to think that way.
I may have delusional confidence or perhaps I force myself to have confidence because without it I would crumble at the massive amount of embarrassing situations I get myself into. They're not really embarrassing situations I suppose but to me they are.
The other day I dropped a binder on the sidewalk and I immediately froze. I kept thinking to myself, " What an idiot. Oh, great now everyone is looking at how clumsy I am. Who's that? Why are they starring at me? Maybe they're looking at the stop sign? But, why would they be looking at a stop sign? Why me, oh why me." And then I compose myself, gather up the binder and quickly scatter away like a baby crab.

I feel as uncomfortable as this hippo's tush with a rock lodged under it.

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