Monday, August 29, 2011

Shit-Whole Foods

 I love whole foods. I love the food they have there and I also love the feelings I get when I'm in one. It's kind of pretentious, hipster and relaxed. I usually hate places like that but because I am not very cool or hip I seem to fly under the radar and no one really notices me where as in Safeway I feel like a normal person which in turn gives me anxiety so I would rather be looked down upon than feel extreme anxiety. Anyways the Whole foods I go to is the best ever and it is solely because of the fact that their salad bar has the best selection.
My salad always consists of:

Mixed Greens
Sesame tofu snacks

I also love tomatoes and cucumbers  but seeing as the salad bar is by weight and I have to take a loan from the bank whenever I eat there because its so fucking expensive, I cut my own tomatoes and cucumbers at home because they weigh so much. You're welcome for the tip.
I mainly love this salad because of the tofu snacks. They are so fucking good. If I had to describe them, they are baked tofu with some sort of miso marinade and sesame seeds on top. Even if you hate tofu, you love these. These tofu bites are the bacon of tofu.
So, I walk down to capers with my sweetie excited to get my salad. I get to the salad bar and lo and behold there is no tofu. Heart dropped. I looked at the salad bar in disbelief and I even got a few people to verify that there is indeed no tofu and I am not losing my mind. This will not do. I know that the deli section sells the same tofu so I go there to get some put on my salad. I get these two older Asian ladies and I tell them that the tofu at the salad bar is sold out and that I would like some on my salad and they say that I can't do that. Dot dot dot. Why not, it's exactly the same tofu accept for some reason it's like 50 cents more expensive at the deli than at the salad bar. The ladies start telling me the ingredients are different, so I start listing the ingredients from the salad bar tofu and the deli tofu and oh my god I can't believe it they're exactly the fucking same. I get these blank vapid looks and see I am getting absolutely no where with these space cadets, so I go to customer service.
I feel like my conversation with the customer service lady will go better than my previous one because the lady was white and younger so there is no age or language gap. I tell her my situation and this is the spiel I receive. "You see, the tofu from the salad bar is salad bar tofu and the tofu from the deli is the deli tofu and in order to track the tofu we need to keep it separate, I think that's why we can't put it on your salad. "I think"? You think? Uhhhh why don't you go fucking figure out exactly why. And how stupid do you think I am where this tracking bullshit would actually work as a reasonable excuse. You're telling me that the 100grams of tofu must be tracked to either the deli or the salad bar . I bet they drop more than 100 grams of food in an hour and I also believe that the staff probably snack as they work as well, and I sure as hell doubt that they track every morsel of food that is tasted or wasted. I call extreme bullshit Instead of arguing I just let it go because what else is there really for me to say. You're a capers assistant manager, do you take your job that seriously? Really, you would go through the trouble of making up a ridiculous excuse instead of just letting me put the tofu on the salad. I hope she burns in Whole Foods hell. It's the exact same tofu, you don't have it out in the salad bad but it's in the deli and you aren't letting me put it on my salad, I have to pay extra and buy it separately, yes that makes perfect fucking sense, thank you capers you fucks.
I still love the fucking salad but that's just the way it fucking goes sometimes.

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